We sort of started off with sex as a recreational activity - for me somewhat apart from the relationship itself, although I am not sure about his perception. The day he moved in to my house in South Carolina I had a friend from Utah spending the night and the following night we had a three-way with him.

We sometimes involve others in bed - and three-ways work if it really is a THREE way and not a one plus two way. This sometimes happens when we have company - and when it is a couple it might be a four-way. We try NOT to have expectations, but rather take it as it comes. This prevents anticipation becoming disappointment. We have each been known to have fooled around with a guest (distant or local) while the other was puttering around the house doing something else.

Therefore we don't have expectations about people who visit us - or requirements (other than that they be respectable house guests). We once had an email that said "I'd love to come visit and ski, but do I have to have sex also?" I am not quite sure what prompted that....

For a short time last fall we had a local who had become a rather regular "sleep over". It was to the point where we wondered if he should just move in, but a number of circumstances were just not right for that to happen. He now has a boyfriend so that activity has ended.

For years Robby did massage, and on occasion I know things went on with certain clients. I travel a lot, and have certainly had my hotel tricks. A few weeks ago in Toronto I arranged to spend the weekend with a guy we had met on our cruise last fall (that we both thought was so cute). It was not "decided" in advance (by me anyway) that we were going to have sex, although I was hopeful and UN-characteristically non-aggressive. As it turned out we did get involved. When I got home we talked about it briefly - as Robby KNEW something had to have happened. His comment was something to the effect of "I could not possibly imagine that you and XXX would be together and nothing would happen...."

In general however, we have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I will always be truthful with him if he asks - but I sort of consider it "rude" to point it out. I don't ask him if anything ever happens with him, but sort of hope it does on occasion. If he should come to visit you I would sort of hope that something happens if you both want it. It is important never to see sex as competition or an invasion of our space. That is what leads to a jealous or negative image that could upset things. In fact, I take it as a compliment that someone else would find him attractive. I also think it builds HIS self-confidence. It is one thing to have your lover tell you how great you are - and quite another to hear it somewhat unsolicited.

We do have a few ground rules - more for others than ourselves. We don't advertise any availability- especially around town. It is not that we really care what others think, but we do not want people creating impressions about us that might lead to their expectations. We don't want to be known as the couple who is always looking for a third and we also don't want any "fatal attractions" around town.

In our case, although we might go out for the evening individually or with another friend, it is not to have sex. The concept of "I am going out to fuck someone, see you later" is not part of how we live. That sort of addresses your issue of "permission when the need arises"....

I suppose there are long term couples with an exclusive relationship - but many male couples spend too much time in lies about how they are being faithful instead of developing their real emotional relationship. Most of the long-term couples I know don't pretend, they just deal with it.

Your comment from above " I am having a hard time adjusting to this agreement and hope that, in time, I will be okay with it." is a signal that you both need to talk about expectations and motivations. This only works when you are BOTH in some sort of agreement. Remember that open communications is the most important part of what makes a relationship.

Maybe this is longer than you expected. I hope it is helpful. If you want, please continue the dialog. I am thinking of expanding upon what I said above and adding it to the web site. Give me your thoughts.

Dave

Personally, I feel that the real issues here are the ones of basic biology and the conflict staged by the socialization of the masses over the centuries. Whew! That's a mouthfull! What I refer to is the historic biology of humans that sought to ensure man would survive as a species...that males automatically seek to mate with as many as possible while the females tend towards the more maternal roles, obviously, and in so doing, lean towards "one good dependable man". Fast forward this through centuries of evolutionary drama, add a dash of "gayness" to the equation and you still have the same basic genetics. We've simply (or not so simply) added layers and layers of social posturing and "acceptable" behaviors on top of the real issues.

One of the most interesting things the article points out to me is the issue of "serial monogamy", which they attribute to lesbians in the particular context of this article but also, for the first time I've seen in print, to the general much divorced and remarried straight population!. What a concept! Straights are screwing around?!? Who'd have thunk it? They just rationalize and justify with a little more social sanction and permission than we are generally given as a "gay population". (As an aside I ask myself "could this lack of social permission have any relation to our own behavior aka the ubiquitous Gay Pride events that showcase the most blatant of our sexual peccadilloes?" but then, I digress!) It occurs to me that "serial monogamy" is simply a term for people, couples if you will, who were tempted by the charms of another, physically and/or emotionally, for a moment/time, and rather than openly address/discuss/experiment/evaluate in the safety of their own relationship to one another, choose to submit their entire definition of their lives together unto the "court of Webster" and, consequently, feel forced to move away from what may very well be a completely loving and supportive partner. How sad.

I always felt that being a gay person in this time and age placed me outside the boundaries of traditional definition with regards to many aspects of society and my life in particular. As such, I took a long time (over 40 years) finding a person that I felt complimented my own specific (all right peculiar!) personality. I'll be damned if I will allow transient sexual fluctuations [and I don't mean we sleep with homeless people :-)>] to interfere with what I consider to be the culmination of my personal life-search for a mate. For what? The judgment of a population of people who are behaving exactly the same way and simply couching it in more socially acceptable terms. I think not.

It all comes back to our 3 C's of relationships; commitment, companionship and communication. Commitment to each other is the first and the foundation of our relationship, without that, the rest is verbiage. If you start from a place of trust and safety, where you know you will not be hurt, abandoned, misused in any way, then the rest is all about communication. Talking about the issues and really hearing what the other needs and has to offer. In the end, the result is the true companionship we all seek, without many of the "footnotes" that tend to sidetrack us so often throughout our lives.

A straight female friend called the other night to compliment us on our homepage and chat. She brought up the issue of monogamy and we had a similar discussion. The humorous bottom line was her final comment (Geesh, sometimes I wish I was a gay man!") referring to Dave's and my ability to conduct what others would define as an "open" relationship. This coming from a thrice married and multiple-affaired woman in her 40's with 3 children from 3 different men! I rest my case!

One final thought. As I write the term "open relationship" I felt a shudder in my soul and it occurs to me that it is vitally important not to be swayed by the accepted definitions and the inherent implications in these terms/words and their meanings. All these terms and concepts are only as relevant to you and yours as you allow them to be in the context of your, specific, relationship. Define them for yourselves! You both have the power of your commitment and the ability to communicate within it. Use it.

So...I've stood on this soapbox long enough this morning! Hope I've given some food for thought. From what I know of you you seem to be a thoughtful, sensitive soul and I hope you and your mate find your way through this next phase of your relationship with a gentle understanding and a stronger future.

I would love to sit down in person for a change! Keep in touch.

Hugs, The Wiz

The How-To Guide on Open Relationships
Adapted from an article by writer John Fall

The DON'T

Really, there is only one major Don't - Don't cheat, a rule that can be applied to two very different situations: don't cheat on your lover if you have agreed to have a closed relationship and, if you have an open one, don't cheat on the rules the two of you have established for that arrangement. This, of course, assumes that you have established and agreed upon a set of rules - highly recommended.

Guys who secretly cheat on their ostensibly monogamous relationships, the ones who regurgitate the "I'd-never-look-at-another-person" line while carrying on a clandestine affair or getting it in the park or at a motel, are the worst. These guys have no shame, at least not until they are caught. Then shame abounds.

Unless they have a regular rendezvous, these cheaters have to create an elaborate system of chances, the hoped for opportunity being one for sex. Even a man having an affair has to count on chance, mainly the chance that he will not be caught by his boyfriend.

Cheaters also have to rationalize their lies to themselves in order to continue telling them. They have to believe that telling the person the truth would end the relationship and that a relationship based on lies is better than none at all. Or they need to think that secretly having sex with someone else is not dishonest. Deception, at least in cases of adultery, never triumphs -- you cannot explain away crabs.

The other part of the cheating Don't is for men who are in open relationships. Each one is unique and has its own set of rules that the couple either established at the beginning or created as they went along. Don't unilaterally change those rules. If you have agreed never to sleep with common friends, don't do it before discussing it with your boyfriend. If you have agreed not to have sex with other people in your home, don't do it without asking him first.

In this cheating you will end up lying in some way about breaking the relationship rules or you will end up having to admit that you broke them. Neither option is pleasant. If you want to try something outside of the rules, tell your partner. If the open relationship is based on mutual agreement, it will only survive with mutual agreement regarding its evolution.


The DO'S

Do have fun. If you are not having fun with your open relationship, something's wrong.

Do tell your partner what you want; do listen to what he wants. If you disagree with what he wants, tell him so, and listen when he opposes what you want.

Do ask other men in open relationships about how they came to have one and what the "house rules" are regarding extramarital sex. Their experiences can go a long way in ensuring your success. Men have an enduring curiosity about how couples create and maintain what to most Americans are extremely unorthodox unions, and the men in those unions are usually eager to tell their stories.

The interesting part of devising an open relationship is in creating those house rules. There are as many varieties of open arrangements as there are couples who have them. Some couples agree that anything goes. Others may not allow any extramarital sex in the home or in the conjugal bed. An agreement might involve both men being present for all sex with others - after all, three ways involving both partners qualify as open relationships. Some men must divulge all the details of their trysts; others are never asked. Maybe certain sex acts are forbidden with others; maybe none are. Safe sex is often a requirement of outside tricking. Occasionally, even extramarital love, as opposed to lust, is permitted.

There are infinite possibilities. I know a couple that forbids either partner from spending the night away from home. Another gives each lover every Thursday night to pursue their lusts. Still another involves one man having two boyfriends at once: he lives with one and visits the other.

The envelope can stand quite a bit of pushing and innovation. If the arrangement works for you and your lover(s), have at it. Know the limits and accepted them. Instead of agreeing to something you do not want, either negotiate a compromise, or, if necessary, walk.

Finally, do wear your promiscuity on your sleeve, and find a partner who does the same. You have nothing to hide. In the end, it is only a big deal for people who have no room in their heads for difference. For the rest of us, it's just life.